1、我理想中的女友标准是：我和她走在路上时，别人都说，那女的怎么看上他了？
The standard of my ideal girlfriend is: when I walk on the road with her, others will say, that man is not worthy of her obviously.
2、如果老板不给我折扣，我就威胁他：“我要在你旁边再开一个相同的店。”
If the boss didn’t give me a discount, I threatened him: “I’m going to open the same store next to you.”
3、老婆：“衣服又涨价了。”
Wife: “the clothes rose in price again.”
老公：“少穿点就行了。”
Husband: “wear less then.”
老婆：“生活开支高，你咋不说“少活几天？”
Wife: “living expenses are high, why don’t you say” live less days ?”
4、不想分享自己的美食的黄金方法是：表现得我吃的很难吃。
The golden rule for notastesing your food is to act like it tastes quite bad.
5、一哥们说：“都说女人是毒药，可我已经中毒，只能以毒攻毒了。”
One elder brother says: “they all say a woman is poison, but I am already toxic, I can only fight poison with poison.”
6、为什么要有情人节？生日提醒我：离终老又近了一年；接着情人节提醒我：离孤独终老又近了一年！
Why there existing Valentine’s Day? Birthday reminds me:it’s one yeao closer to die; Then Valentine’s Day reminds me: it’s one year closer to die alone!
7、多年做作业的经验告诉我：数学答案抄了也看不懂，语文答案懂了却不想抄!
Years of experience in doing homework tell me that I can’t understand the mathematical answers, but I don’t want to copy the Chinese acloser even I understand.
8、一句话能证明我很美：照片被很多人当作头像用！
A word can prove that I am very beautiful: myphotos are used by many people as a portrait!
9、我想成团出道，有谁加入吗？会火哦，名字就叫做“二”。
I want to start my career as a group. Does anyone want to join?It will be popular, the name is called “slow-witted.”
10、妈：“还在睡懒床？”
mom: ” Why are you still sleeping in the bed?”
我：“我睡觉的时候，一不捣蛋、二不浪费粮食、三不乱花钱、四不生产噪音，不挺好的嘛！”
I: “when I sleep, first，I do not make trouble, second，I do not waste food, third，I do not spend money, fourth，I do not produce noise, it is so good!，isn’t it?”